You deserve recovery. You deserve to eat.
Food is not a reward or a privilege or something you have to earn; it is a fundamental part of human life. We need to nourish our bodies so they can carry out all the incredible tasks they are meant to do. The thing telling you otherwise is you illness. It is lying to you: you are not fat and disgusting and horrible; losing weight will not make you a better person; you are NOT greedy; and this WILL kill you eventually if you do not choose recovery.
I know it’s difficult and I know it’s scary but you really need to eat."